10 Guiding Principles of a Successful Islamic Marriage

Marriage in Islam

Marriage in Islam is a mercy, about which Allah says: {And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.}[1] It is also half of one's faith; Anas reported God’s Messenger ﷺ as saying, “When a person gets married they have fulfilled half of the religion; and so should fear God regarding the remaining half.”[2]

The reality of marriage, though, can be challenging. It is essentially the merging of two lives, two families, two histories, and two futures. Without proper guidance and direction—especially in the current age—it is very easy for a marriage to break down. In fact, in the UK, approximately 42% of marriages end in divorce.[3] This is a staggering percentage, which doesn’t factor in unregistered marriages, such as common law unions that take place amongst minority ethnic communities or Nikahs that take place in Mosques.

With such an alarming rise in marriage breakdowns, it becomes essential for us as a Muslim community specifically, and the UK population generally, to tackle this issue in both our own marriages and marriages generally. If our homes break down, society will follow, which is perhaps what we are starting to see unfold in public life today. When a marriage does start to break down, communication commonly fails or resentment builds; married couples often feel stuck in a cycle of conflict and misunderstanding.

It is a great blessing that Allah has provided us with a framework which, when followed, is conducive to a happy marriage, as well as providing an environment that will help to rectify a marriage that has begun to err. Although not the only principles to be followed, here are ten essential guiding principles upon which a marriage should be built:

1. The Foundation of Respect and Mercy

The tone of a marriage is set by how spouses speak to one another. It is unfortunately common for married couples to fall into a habit of speaking harshly to each other behind closed doors—using language they would never use with strangers.

Respect is integral to success. When respect through language is lost, the marriage quickly turns bitter. We are reminded of the Prophet’s ﷺ words: 'The Compassionate One has mercy on those who are merciful. If you show mercy to those who are on the earth, He Who is in the heaven will show mercy to you.'[4]

2. Balanced Transparency

Trust requires openness, but transparency must be balanced. Being clear about your actions and feelings contributes toward creating an environment free of suspicion, but this does not mean a spouse must submit to micromanagement or provide constant updates. Over-sharing can sometimes have negative effects; the goal is to strike a balance where both spouses feel secure without suffocating one another.

3. Positive Reception and Safety

Transparency cannot exist without safety. For a relationship to be open, there must be a "positive reception"—an attitude where a spouse feels safe sharing their thoughts, opinions, and feelings. If a spouse’s views are constantly dismissed, they will inevitably withdraw emotionally to protect themselves. Creating a non-judgmental environment is a requirement for true transparency.

4. Avoiding Negative Assumptions (Husn al-Dhan)

A marriage can break down when one partner habitually interprets the other's words or actions through a lens of suspicion. Whether these suspicious thoughts stem from past trauma or deep-seated insecurity, Islam teaches us to have positive thoughts (Husn al-Dhan) and to be forgiving. It may be necessary that past traumas and insecurities are addressed for the sake of the marriage and relationship stability. Allah warns against destructive curiosity and suspicion in the Quran: {O believers! Avoid many suspicions, ˹for˺ indeed, some suspicions are sinful.}[5]

5. Understanding Gender Roles

While cultures vary, the general universal roles defined by Islam provide a blueprint that helps prevent confusion, arguments, and break-ups over rights and responsibilities. Embracing this structure leads to balance, so it is very important to have a clear understanding of gender roles within marriage based on the framework of Islam, whilst also noting differences that are based on culture.

Islam does not dismiss cultural practices or norms as long as they do not contradict Islamic principles or practices. It is quite common for arguments and marital conflicts to be rooted in differing perspectives of gender roles within the relationship.

6. Responsibility: The Husband’s Duty

When a man marries, he assumes the "duty of care" for his wife and children. This is not just a social expectation but a spiritual one; on the Day of Judgement, he will be held responsible for any negligence in this regard, and should therefore take this responsibility very seriously.

Allah says, {O believers! Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, overseen by formidable and severe angels, who never disobey whatever Allah orders—always doing as commanded.}[6] The Prophet ﷺ said, "It is enough of a sin for a man to withhold from those dependent upon him"[7].

7. Responsibility: The Wife’s Treatment of Her Husband

Similarly, a woman’s standing with Allah is deeply tied to her treatment of her husband. Therefore, a wife should strive to fulfill her duties toward her husband, avoiding neglect unless she has a valid reason in the sight of Allah.

The gravity of this relationship is highlighted in the statement of the Messenger ﷺ: “If a woman prays her five [prayers], fasts her month [of Ramadan], guards her private parts (i.e. chastity), and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from whichever gate she chooses.”[8] He ﷺ also said to one of the female companions regarding her husband: "Look to yourself regarding him. Verily, he is your Paradise or your Hellfire"[9].

8. The Protection of Intimacy

Physical intimacy today is often reduced to a simple means of physical pleasure and gratification, but it is more than just a physical act; it is a protection for both husband and wife and a primary means of developing closeness. It is viewed as a mutual obligation. Islam obligates upon both the man and the woman that they must commit to regular intimacy to satisfy their spouse's needs. The refusal to be intimate is a leading cause of marital breakdown.

9. The Power of Du'a (Supplication)

No marriage can thrive without support from Allah. Constant Du'a (supplication) is critical. Spouses are encouraged to frequently recite the Quranic prayer[10] asking for their spouses and children to be the "comfort of their eyes" (Qurrata A’yun): Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata a’yunin wa j’alna lil-muttaqina imama. رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا  "Our Lord, give us, from our spouses and our children, comfort of eyes, and make us heads of the God-fearing."

10. Reliance Upon Allah

Finally, couples must realise that while they can make the right choices, they cannot control the ultimate outcome of the marriage—that result is with Allah. This mindset shifts how we view the ups and downs of marital life (and life in general):

• If we find ease, it is a test of gratitude.

• If we find difficulty, it is a test of patience.

As the Quran states: {…And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He ˹alone˺ is sufficient for them.}[11]

Marriage is a sacred bond and should be treated as such. It is a medium of so much reward, but with reward comes struggle and sacrifice. If your marriage feels stuck in a cycle of conflict, silence, or misunderstanding, remember that you do not have to navigate it alone.

References: [1] The Quran, ar-Rum verse 21, trans. Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran [2] al-Bayhaqi, Shu’ab al-Iman. [3] (Divorces and dissolutions in England and Wales - Office for National Statistics) [4] Sunan Abi Dawud [5] The Quran, al-Hujurat verse 12, Trans. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran [6] The Quran, at-Tahreem, verse 6, Trans. Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran [7] Sunan Abi Dawud [8] Ahmad and Ibn Hibbaan [9] Maalik and Al-Haakim [10] Surah Al-Furqan, Verse 74 - Quran 25:74 [11] The Quran, at-Talaq, verse 6, Trans. Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran

​About the Author

​Ashraf Dabous is a Psychotherapist and serving Imam at a major London Mosque. He holds a BA from the Faculty of Dawah and Usul al-Deen (Islamic University of Madinah) and an MSc in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy from Goldsmiths, University of London. His background includes formal studies in Theology, Jurisprudence, and spiritual wellbeing, alongside four years of clinical practice.